


we make it feel like we're together (we're scared to see each other with somebody else)

by disarmed



Category: Archer (Cartoon)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-28
Updated: 2015-09-28
Packaged: 2018-04-23 19:08:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,682
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4888597
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/disarmed/pseuds/disarmed
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It never occurs to Archer that his is the name Lana calls when her life is in danger.</p>
            </blockquote>





	we make it feel like we're together (we're scared to see each other with somebody else)

**Author's Note:**

> totally self-indulgent with (as always) a dash of creative license, so y'know, excuse any bits that you're not down with. events lead up to 'sea tunt part II' and aren't in chronological order.

Lana falls from a building and screams his name.

Archer throws himself after her without a second thought (that's a lie... the _manicure_ ) and snags her by the leg.

Sterling Archer, saving the life of Lana Kane, just another day in the office.

 

 

Archer is so used to calling Lana's name that he never really notices when she calls his. Well, he _does_ , because there are so many different ways she does it and if he doesn't pick up on the tone correctly the first time he's likely to get a bullet to the kneecap and god he's so _sick_ of being shot. There's angry Lana, annoyed Lana, stressed Lana (these are all very different and Archer learned that pretty quickly into the game. If one wants to keep ones kneecaps...), sarcastic Lana (which often tends to take up the majority because everything Lana says is usually always layered with some form of sarcasm and yes he _can_ pick it up _god_ it's not like it's _hard_ ), murderous Lana, exhausted Lana, sly Lana, turned-on Lana (and okay so there are like _twenty_ different ways Lana says his name when they're fucking holy _shit_ Archer didn't even know he could come just from the way a woman says his name when she's sinking down on his cock like that but _yeaaaaaah_ who would have thought.) There are just so many variations in tone it's important to stay on top of these things.

But he's just so used to calling her name (just to rile her up... a little) that he _totally_ never really notices when she calls his.

 

 

They're in _space_ and there are _mechs_ and he's still totally _pissed_ they locked him up (and he just fucked Pam again but it doesn't count 'cause they're in _space_ ) and some neurotic astronauts want Lana to be the mother to their creepy new space-age line of humans (where's Sigourney Weaver at this point, right? So what if there's no actual aliens, Weaver was hot as balls in that franchise and who would pass that up?) and so long story short:

Lana is in danger _again,_ so guess who's coming to her rescue... _again._

 

 

Lana tries to quit the job one time. Or, well, she does quit, and Archer has to turn the damn car around and Kazak is having the time of his life which is great but he needs to scrootch _down_  because Archer's realised Lana has been picked up by the enemy which of course, _typical Lana._

'Archer!'

Roll the truck? Not worth the risk of death or guilt-marriage, so fuck it, he's going to jump on the truck.

So he deals with that situation, and then okay, so maybe he sort of likes having Lana around because you know she's the only semi-competent agent (he _is_ agent in command after all for a reason) that he can trust enough to be on the field.

She does punch him in the face which he doesn't think he really truly deserves but if he had to think about it _hard_ he probably does.

'Sometimes we do good work, so promise me you'll never quit again?' is what he says, anyway. He likes Lana, she's definitely great in the bedroom (not that they see each other there often because Lana is too busy living in denial and convincing herself she's better off with _Cyril_ for crying out loud) and she's not a bad field agent and sometimes they're not too bad at their job as long as they're not trying to murder one another which let's be real is at _least_ in the upper percentile of that particular equation.

'Only if you promise you'll quit being such a _colossal_ asshole,' she says in return, and Archer thinks about it for a moment but the notion is laughable. Literally.

(In hindsight, if he didn't know any better, it might have looked like he was proposing to her with that microfilm and that's why she punched him in the face... _Nah._ )

 

  
The time that he ends up with cancer is fucking horrible and he wouldn't wish that on anyone, not even Barry (which is pointless anyway considering Barry is a cyborg and he can't die from cancer or... can he? Archer hasn't really looked into that, he should probably ask Krieger because that could change his opinion...)

Anyway, the time that he ends up with cancer is fucking horrible but it comes with one singular perk.

He gets to fuck Lana.

Or more like Lana fucks him. She rides him like she's mad at him, like it's his fault that he's sick and they're doing this and Archer is confused like eighty percent of the time because she's kissing him and then crying and then biting him and then pushing his hair off his forehead and then spanking him and anyway it's irrelevant who fucks who the point is that they _fucked._

He was going to tell her something, too, that night, and he was going to tell her the same thing later on, but there had been so many drugs and he wasn't going to die and everything just kind of faded into one big party after that.

It'll come back to him, eventually.

 

 

Archer tries to come up with reasons why Lana Kane would voluntarily enter into a (sexual) relationship with Cyril _fucking_ Figgis. There's that stupid rumour he's hung like a horse but honestly, Cyril wouldn't know what to do with it if his life depended on it. (Which it probably _has_ and or _will_ do at some point in the future no doubt, Cyril is unlucky like that.) The guy's a sex addict, it's like a homing beacon for pussy, you shove it in and do your job but there's no finesse.

Archer has _finesse_ , thank you very much. He also has an impressive background to prove it. Just because you've fucked a lot of people doesn't mean to say you were actually any _good_ at it.

To start with he's sure Lana goes for Cyril because she's lonely and confused and doesn't know what to do with herself after having the best sex of her life (which it totally _was_ because she _told_ him so, and maybe she'd had a half a dozen margaritas and he'd ploughed down a bottle of tequila but he _remembers._ ) So yeah, Cyril is a rebound and eventually she'll realise the error of her ways.

Except she goes back to Cyril, and Archer just doesn't get it. _Why_. Why Cyril Figgis? He's a nerd but in a lame way, he doesn't even know the difference between the x-men and the fantastic four for crying out loud. So what, maths, Archer can do that sort of stuff in nanoseconds if he wants, he just... you know... doesn't want to.

Boring.

The point is, why does Lana Kane keep going back to Cyril Figgis. Not that it keeps Archer up at night. Or anything. It doesn't even matter, really.

 

 

One time when they pose as newlyweds (see: Lana falling off a building, him having to save her, etc etc) the clerk says _'Mr and Mrs Sterling Archer'_ and Lana is all _'don't don't don't_ ' but Archer gleefully takes it and enjoys the way it sounds.

'Mrs Sterling Archer', he says again in the elevator and Lana groans and crosses her arms over her chest, turning away from him. 'What?' he asks, mildly affronted, 'it's a good name.'

'Uh huh,' says Lana as the doors open. 'And you can keep it.'

'What, you wouldn't jump at the chance of being _Mrs_ Sterling Archer?' 

And Sterling Archer, world's greatest secret agent, recognises the extra beat it takes for her to answer him.

'Not in a million years.' 

'Sure,' he drawls, rolling his eyes. 'Okay, Lana.'

 

 

Archer is surprised when people are surprised that he notices things about them. Like, for example, Lana's boobs being bigger. Goddamn Ray breaks his nose, and of course Cyril just sits there like the dumbass he is because he's _Cyril._

'Jesus, Ray! Your nose is broken.'

'Really?'

'Cyril, gear bag. First aid kit.'

'Just give him a couple tampons.' Lana looks at him like he's said something wrong. Archer looks at her like _she's_ stupid. 'What? That’s their job.'

_'Really?'_

'Just give him some tamp-'

'I don’t have any.'

'Do you…think that was wise?' He's being blatantly honest. It probably wasn't a good move, in all fairness.

'Meaning?'

'Well I’m just assuming, I mean your breasts are slightly bigger, you’re-'

_'Shut your stupid mustachey dickhole and drive the goddamn submarine.'_

Archer blinks. 'Slightly irritable?'

(He's totally not wrong about this one, look at the evidence.)

 

 

_'Archer!'_

_'Lana!'_

Murphy has his hand in Lana's hair and his knife at her throat and Archer stares the man down with his gun pointed to his head and a promise in his eyes. He fucks up his line but _whatever,_ it doesn't matter, Lana is looking at him with those eyes and there's no way that bastard is going to lay a finger on her.

 

 

Lana is pregnant.

 

 

Lana is five weeks pregnant and there are only three suits and someone might die ( _has_ to die for at least two minutes but could actually literally die like _forever_ or at least have irreparable brain damage) and there's not even a moment of hesitation as Archer pushes his helmet into her hands, and she looks shocked.

'But -'

'Ray's half robot, Cyril _miraculously_ is good at something, and Lana... you're gonna be a mom! Just, promise me you'll be a better one than mine.'

He means it, too, and he doesn't even wonder if what he's doing is the right thing because of course it's the right thing and it's _Lana._

It's Lana.

It really hits him then, when she's holding him afloat so he can breathe in desperately his last gasps of air. _It's Lana_. Then there's water in his mouth and it's rushing down his throat and into his lungs and holy _shit_ he might actually die for real and he's never said it -

'Lana, I love you.'


End file.
